What's love got to do with it?

I have been relatively silent as of lately. I suppose it is due to the fact that I am still trying to get back to a new normal, following the ordeal that had been my life last year. Still current events calls me back to make my comments and voice my opinion. This blog entry is one that I really hope goes viral and attracts the attention of women and men, it is addressing the issue of Domestic Violence.

Earlier this year, Super Bowl champ Ray Rice found himself embroiled in a scandal. Not one of steroids, or drugs, but of a physical altercation with his then fiancé (now wife) Janay Palmer in an Atlantic City casino elevator. 

This assault would not have gotten more than a simple two minute news mention had it occurred between any two people, simply because it was caught on video. It was his notoriety that garnered the more than week long attention of the media. Surprisingly, people commented how they were shocked by the callousness when we all had seen him drag an unconscious Janay out of the elevator. The NFL gave him a 2 game suspension and the prosecutor offered him a deal of attending classes. It was a joke of a punishment, and I heard people say it was due to the fact that Janay Palmer stayed with Ray Rice, even going as far as marrying him since the Atlantic City hotel occurrence. Some even noted, "why do more?  She obviously was ok with it,  she married him!" There is no shock here, we tend to do that with women, we blame the victim. 

Then TMZ gave us an eye-opener by releasing the video of Ray Rice actually punching Janay a few times. The one punch that caused some of us to drop our jaws to the ground was "the knockout punch" where we were witnesses to just how she became unconscious. Now the rules changed and the NFL quickly changed its' tune. Indefinite suspension and the firing from the Ravens. Rutgers University removed their affiliation with their former alumni and his football jersey was promptly remove from the NFL store. A hashtag became popular on social media #WHYISTAYED. Still, Janay stood by her man, even voicing her objection of his firing and the collective reaction to the abuse we had all witnessed. This came as no surprise to me, I have known women like Janay. Fortunately, I was never a woman that stayed, but unfortunately I was a woman who knew what it was to be hit like Janay was. 

Statistically speaking one in four women will experience abuse at the hands of her significant other at some point in her life. I had the displeasure of being one of those one in four during my single years. My ex-boyfriend had become upset over a trivial matter and proceeded to choke me in my bedroom. I did not live with him, so when he left I decidedly ended the relationship once he was away from me. I thought I was being safe. I was wrong. He repeatedly called, apologizing to me and begging me to take him back. I was resilient in my resolve to end it and stood fast by my word to not take him back,. What I was not aware of is that the most dangerous time for a woman is not when she is with her abuser, but after she leaves. I was also unaware of the mental strain and abuse he had subjected me to, eroding at my self esteem. It was simple to do because I was already reeling from a bad divorce and a termination from my job. I was ripe for the picking when we met, and he charmed me. I was blind to what he was, until it was too late. Finally, one day I allowed him to come by to get a few of his things (some CD's, books and a jacket). I didn't know that something so simple would turn into something so ugly. My daughter was home asleep in her bed, surely I would be safe, he liked my daughter. Yet on the scale of how wrong I was, I had hit the motherlode with this one. He again tried to talk me into getting back together, after realizing it was not going to happen, he proceeded to beat me within an inch of my life. The thing I most remember was what he said to me, "When your daughter wakes up in the morning she will find you dead!".  

Needless to say, I lived and my daughter never woke up during my beat down because I had the good sense to play dead and survived the night. I called the police, pressed charges and saw the courts do what little it could. That is the thing, there is little that "first time" offenders get when brought to court, or even second and third time offenders for that fact. 

Domestic Abuse happens to women every day and there are other facts that are quite alarming when it comes to violence against women. Such as the highest number of reported domestic abuse incidents occurs on Super Bowl Sunday.  Reportedly, approximately 25% of homeless families in NYC are homeless due to Domestic Violence. Also, did you know that over 3 million children witness Domestic Violence in their homes. Female murder victims have a one in three chance of having been killed by a spouse or significant other. These are just a few facts related to abuse and women, still as a nation we do little to hold the abuser accountable. We make excuses for the men and expect the female to leave, often times without support (financially or emotionally). Isn't it time we take the courts to task? Shouldn't we finally make our voices unified and heard for the women who can't speak up? When will we finally say ENOUGH? 

I know that we have started a conversation, it is long over due. It is important that we don't stop talking. The tendency in this country is to speak about something only when it's a hot button issue, then we drop it for the next hot topic. This should not be a subject we drop, we need to address it and finally find a way to help end the cycle of abuse, so that statistics like those above mentioned are not the norm. 

I hope that for the sake of Janay and her daughter she seeks help and comes to understand that there is never a reason for such brutality. I also hope that Janay comes to realize how lucky she was that she didn't die as a result of that punch because it was very close to being her reality. More than that I hope that Ray Rice learns to control himself and understands he was lucky that she was unconscious and not dead. 

We have to learn to stop blaming the women and point the finger of blame and shame on the perpetrators and not the victims. Only then can we begin to solve the problem of violence on women. If you or someone you know is a victim please seek help by calling 1-899-621-HOPE (4673). All calls are confidential.

This time there is no quote that I leave you with, but, rather a poem I wrote when I had my own experience. I simply ask that you read it and pass it along.

LOVE

By CC Benjamin

Man, Woman, Love

Woman, Man, Hate

Man slaps woman

Dead in her face

Woman, Man, Love

Man, Woman, Fear

Woman cowering in the

Corner shedding her tears

Man, You call her your Queen

Yet you spit in her face

If she doesn’t tend to

Your every need

Woman, You say that he is

Your King

As if you are proud to claim

All the scars you now wear

Bam! Pow! Crash!

Shriek! Boom! Yelp!

These aren’t the sounds from heaven

But your own personal hell

He beats me!

She pissed me off!

He scares me!

She needs to shut up!

Funny how I can’t recall

These lines in sonnets

And love songs

Love like this started with lies

Sometimes it ends when

One of us dies

Man; Grow up! Do like your name!

Be the protector, the provider,

The lover, the friend

Be loyal and kind

Court her with your soul

Stop destroying her mind

Your hands should caress

That angelic face

Not breaking her down 

To put her in her “place”

Woman; listen to me

Be ALL that you are,

Who you truly are meant to be

A giver of life, to be cherished

And loved

Strong, courageous, brave and proud

Stop living in madness

Stop living in fear

It was never your fault

He will still live on

If you walk away

Let him carry the blame

Let him bear all the shame

Find your dignity

Find yourself

Love your spirit

Love you

Love you

Love you before all else

Love you

Love you

Love you before someone else

Love you

Love you

Love me

For I am you

You live in me

I love you

I love me

LOVE

Remember

Never forget

A Tribute For A Legend

Rest In Peace

ROBIN WILLIAMS

July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014

"Oh me! Oh life! of the questions of these recurring,

Of the endless trains of the faithless, of cities fill’d with the foolish,

Of myself forever reproaching myself, 

(for who more foolish than I, and who more faithless?)

Of eyes that vainly crave the light, of the objects mean, of the struggle ever renew’d,

Of the poor results of all, of the plodding and sordid crowds I see around me,

Of the empty and useless years of the rest, with the rest me intertwined,

The question, O me! so sad, recurring—What good amid these, O me, O life?

Answer.

That you are here—that life exists and identity,

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse." ~Walt Whitman

I had not thought of this poem until yesterday when the movie Dead Poets Society ran  through my mind at the news of the tragic death of Robin Williams. I wasn't certain that I had heard the news correctly at first. I, like many others I suppose, thought it was another cruel internet hoax. Surely not Genie, or cheerful Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire be dead! Then I remembered that a thin veil of a line lies between comedy and tragedy. I no longer had the doubt, only the sorrow at a very tragic loss of a man I only knew through his work. Surprisingly,  as I was sitting at my laptop, reading the incredulous news of his suicide I noticed that a few tears had fallen onto the desk. 

The tears were not from the loss of Robin Williams, or his comedic genius. I believed I cried for the pain that he had been in to have taken his own life at 63. It was a pain that I had become all to familiar with following my own bout of depression following a year and a half in a hospital. Suicide, by definition merely means to take one's own life, the complete opposite of what our innate self instinctively does, self preservation. How could a man that gave us so much joy and laughter have been in so much desperate pain? It wasn't fair, I decided.

Then the words came across my computer screen, Robin Williams has died by an apparent suicide.  There was that word again. I shook my head, this can't be real and like so many others worldwide I took to social media. Tweeting my sympathies, expressing my grief, and remembering the numerous roles he had portrayed over the years. Another tear fell down my cheek.  Then I heard softly, "O Captain my Captain,..". Dead Poets Society, perhaps one of my favorite films of all times. The film deals with loyalty, leadership, friendships and teenage angst. The film climaxes with the suicide of a character we had grown to love and felt his disappointment when his father rejected his dream. Funny how this was the first movie that came to mind rather than his comedic roles, or standup. 

What I loved about this movie was the character of Mr Keating, played by Robin Williams. His love of poetry, words and the seduction of them. I saw the similarities shared by the actor and the character he portrayed. When you write jokes and tell them you have to have an affinity for the language. By far my favorite quote from the movie however was the line he gave following his reciting "'Oh Me, 'Oh Life".  What is your verse?

So to that I would like to answer in my tribute to Robin Williams, a man I had loved from a far. Admiring his wit, comedic timing, dramatic presence and his gentle spirit that embraced us all when he reached out to make us laugh. What was his verse? It was not that of a court jester, for he never played the fool.  He embarked on a mission to tickle us in the deepest part of our funny bone. A graduate of the prestigious Juilliard, he honed his skill as an actor taking us on adventures to lands as far away as Jumanji running away from hunters to Neverland where we fought Captain Hook. He dazzled us with his brilliance in Good Will Hunting and scared us in One Hour Photo. Made us feel compassion for the sick in Patch Adams and Awakenings, making some of us want to become physicians and heal the world. He made us giggle in The Birdcage and Mrs Doubtfire, wondering how could Sally Field not forgive him, forgetting it was only a movie. Some of us relived our childhood when we heard the Genie tell Alladin he'd never have a friend like him, or the wisdom of a crazy penguin, worshiped by many or when he embodied that fast talking Fender in Robots. His verse was more than that of entertainer, or icon. His verse was tour guide of planet earth and its' inhabitants humankind.  He showed us every emotion and made us feel them. We laughed, we cried, we marveled at his energy and endless talent. Now we sigh, and pause while we remember an old friend who many of us first met with two words; "Na-Nu, Na=-Nu."

Tonight, I will say goodbye to this Prince of Comedy the only way I know how; with poetry and words, that I think he would have appreciated. 

Death is nothing at all.

It does not count.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Everything remains as it was.

The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.

Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no sorrow in your tone.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without  effort

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.

There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.

All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.

One brief moment and all will be as it was before.

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting,  when we meet again.

Farewell Fisher King, you gave us a ride that was unforgettable and you absence will leave a void that can't and will never be filled. Thank you for sharing your talent with us all.

To my readers, I have no quotes tonight, my heart is full. Let's just remember the man that put a smile on our face just by walking in a room.

GRATITUDE

I know that I have been “offline” for a moment. Sometimes life has plans for you, other than the ones that you had for yourself. When that happens you can fight it, or grab on and make adjustments. Fortunately I am one adapting gal! I thank those of you who are reading for the welcome back.

Every Christmas holiday season I can be found at some point on my sofa wrapping gifts, while watching Frank Capra’s  “It’s a Wonderful Life”.  To me, the holiday season does not really begin until I see that movie and hear Nat King Cole sing “The Christmas Song”.  There is just something that makes me feel absolutely blissful when I hear Jimmy Stewart scream “Thank you Clarence, thank you, you old Building and Loan!” The message in this movie is one of appreciation and gratitude; simple lessons, for a man who felt so desperate in the beginning of the movie. I am sure you are all wondering just where is my head, talking about Christmas, when we are in the middle of July. Recently, I was fortunate to feel like George Bailey myself.

Over the past year and a half I have had to overcome a lot of health issues and at times fight my way back from some major setbacks. There were times that my family didn’t know what my outcome would be and we all had to depend on faith. Through it all, I had an ace up my sleeve. It wasn’t a miracle drug, or geniuses imparting all their knowledge on me alone.  No, my ace was my faith in my friends and family.

The thing about life that I had enjoyed was its unpredictability. That surprise element tended to keep me on my toes. Although I tried to live my life as stable as possible, I have to be honest and tell the truth, flying by the seat of my pants had a thrill that I rather delighted in. Problem is, those unforeseen twists in the fabric called life are not always good, pleasurable or wanted. I had a few of those in my lifetime that I wish had never been laid on my path.  Divorce. Single parenthood. Starting over. Disease. These were a few of the things that I could have lived to be one hundred and been perfectly content to never have encountered. Still there they were, on my path and if I still wanted to move forward, I had to make my way over them, through them or stay stuck under them. I chose to barrel through them, making myself stronger in the process.

It is cliché to say I never knew my own strength, but it’s true. I knew I was a forceful and formidable woman, but even I would have a breaking point, surely. I have yet to meet mine. I have been at the brink of death, and still I was able to keep my wits about me, and reassure those closest to me that everything would be fine. Even though none of us knew what my outcome would be. Not my doctors, my husband, my children, or parents. What I knew was, that  I was tired, and facing battle yet again and needed something greater than me to get me through. That is when I had my George Bailey moment. I asked for good thoughts, positive energy and prayers. Everyone I knew began to send me well wishes, and positive energy and it began to fill my soul and spirit. My body began to heal, and my momentum was moving forward in a positive direction onto a path of wellness.

I am firm believer of positive energy. I believe that when you surround yourself with good thoughts, good wishes and prayers you can only have a good outcome. Recently, my MS began to act up, making me blind and struggling to do anything, again I sent out a call to my friends and family, and again they rallied behind me, before I knew it I was feeling like myself and getting back to my normal.  In my mind’s eye I could hear the angels taking calls from all the prayers that were coming in, just as was in the opening scene of  “It’s a Wonderful Life”.  Knowing that I had my family, cousins, friends (old and new) rallying in support for me gave me that extra lift that I needed to propel me yet again in the right direction.

What this did for me was fill me with an overwhelming sense of gratitude, and I was humbled. Humility is not foreign to me, nor is the absolute heartfelt feeling of being thankful. I just wanted to make certain that you all knew how thankful I am. Thankful for those who surround me at times of need, and those who answer my call when I feel my load is too much for me to carry alone.

This blog post is to all of you, just to say these words, “Thank you! Thank you for the prayers, words of encouragement and thank you for your support. You are my ace up my sleeve. Most of all, thank you for my George Bailey moment.”

As always I can’t sign off without a quote to emphasize my post, so here it goes. Until next post.

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.” ― Marcel Proust

“When you are grateful, fear disappears and abundance appears.”

― Anthony Robbins

and finally

“'Thank you' is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, understanding.” ~ Alice Walker

HOLY CRAP! How my generation ruined America's future

Now that I got your attention, I know that many of you are automatically disagreeing with me. However, I am going to point out a few harsh truths to support my argument. There seems to be a "dummy-ing" down of America's youth, and the parents (those who are my peers) appear to be at ease with this.

I have always been one who marched to the tune of my own drummer, and not one to follow the crowd. I had a spirit of individuality that was reinforced by my parents. They taught me to work hard for everything, and to have integrity, I in turn passed these same values to my own children. I was never one out to seek the popularity contest with my kids, nor was I interested in being their friend. That was not in the job profile under mother. 

My fellow former classmates have decided however that this "friendship" was integral to child rearing. What it has seemed to produce is an entire generation of kids who cannot distinguish an adult from their peer. When I was growing up, adults were "Mr. So-and-So" or "Mrs. So-and-So". Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought to call one of my friends' parents by their first name. I had to teach my daughter's friends that I was NOT Christine to them, or CeCe, that was reserved for their parents, to them I was Mrs Benjamin. One parent actually called me to tell me I was wrong to correct her child, and that she encouraged her kids to be "buds" with her friends. Needless to say we differed in our parenting approach, and the outcome of her kids will be posted at the end of the blog. 

Growing up my parents gave me chores and I was required to have a job on top of those chores. I was expected to maintain my grades and have a job, because they were preparing me for life. Fortunately, my job was a flexible one; babysitting! Back then I didn't see the point with the exception of the extra cash that was in my pocket at the end of the week. I did everything from babysitting, to life guarding, being a waitress and even delivering newspapers, either way, I had a hustle. These jobs paid for my new shoes, designer jeans, and Lord help me as I date myself; records or tapes. Today's youth don't seem to have this same demand placed on them. I hear too many parents say; "It's too much with all that they have to do already!" What? Now they aren't capable of doing what generations before them could? Have the children we bore come out more fragile then us?

Then we go to the actual education of these young minds, today we have more work for them to do with less information going in. A feat that I am still trying to figure out, yet there are actual graduates of prominent high schools that cannot answer the simplest of questions. Recently one night I was watching a documentary, and the interviewer asked college students a few questions. Nothing too difficult, like how do you split an atom? Below is the actual exchange that left me speechless.

Interviewer: "Why do we celebrate the 4th of July?"
College student 1: "To mark the end of World War I and II."

Interviewer: "Who did America claim its' independence from?"
College Student 2: "Easy, France."
College Student 3: "Germany?"
College Student 4: "The British..." (ahh finally there is hope!)"..Columbia, yeah British Columbia." (Damn, I breathed too soon)

This is a result of our allowing civics and basic social studies courses to have been removed from the curriculum.  We didn't stop there, we allowed schools to eliminate Penmanship, learning to write in script, Music, Arts, and Phys Ed every semester. Perhaps this is because we fail to realize the importance of these courses, but that have an important role to play in developing brains. When a child is given paper, crayons, odds and ends and told have at it, the child looks perplexed. This is because we have removed the engaging part of their brain that evolves to be the problem solver, because rather to let them be, we show them what to do step-by-step. Eliminating the need to think for themselves, instead we insist that they conform. 

Worse still, we have removed competition. We have games where there is no score being kept, evidently in the new Utopian world my peers are dreaming up competition is a bad thing. I do not know why we have deviated so far from the path. Our parents did not raise a bunch of self indulgent, instant gratifying individuals, yet somehow, we thought (not all but many of us) that this was a better way to be. I say NO MORE. 

 There is plenty of time in the future when we grow old to become our children's friend, but until these people are out on their own, we have a job to do. Make certain they are educated, can sustain a life for them selves apart from us, and to think for themselves. This will not happen if we don't use the basics. I may not have all the answers, but so far my kids are turning out pretty damn well. 

I believe this parenting job outstretches the four walls of the house. So here are my suggestions to helping raise a better child. Pay attention, some of you may recognize your own parents in this advice.

To begin with, remember education begins at home, so start with reading to your kids from the moment you bring them home from the hospital. Books and reading should not be kryptonite to your kids. This is where their imagination is given its' first spark. They have to envision the scenes.

Enough with trying to be their buddies, that is what their peers are for. Your mom and dad weren't cool when you were a kid, and your kids don't necessarily want you to hang with them. It is okay to tell them NO! I assure you following the tantrum if thrown, they will recover, even more they will be grateful for the rules.

Have expectations for your children. They need to learn to set goals and more importantly, they need to learn how to achieve them. If you expect nothing, guess what, you get nothing. If you expect and demand the best, they might surprise you and exceed your expectations. Now this does not mean to become Joan Crawford on them, but encourage them when you tell them what you expect of them. Let them know you are well aware that they are smart and capable of achieving anything, as long as they set their mind to it.

The most important is expect to fail! Try as we may we will mess up, that is okay. It does not mean that we owe them the keys to the city because we messed up. Step back, assess the damage, and go back to the basics. That means give them curfews, punish when warranted, take away the car keys, iPhone, tablet or whatever. Remind them that YOU are the parent and are on the job 24 hours a day for life, therefore you get to make the rules. 

In my home my kids can't even turn on the television without permission. A friend asked me how did I do that? As if it were a parlor trick, that is when I noted that I had expected my kids to follow rules, while she did not. Earlier, I said I would tell you of what happened to the woman that called me about telling her daughter not to call me by my first name. Well, while my daughter graduated and went on to a competitive university to continue her education, her daughter is hanging out at home, without a job or a high school diploma. There was no reason her child couldn't have succeeded. She had a two parent home, access to the best of everything, but she was never told no and nothing was ever expected of her. I don't say that could have been my kid, because I would not allow it to be, and upon giving it some serious thought, neither should any of us. Remember, eventually they will be in charge when we have lost our faculties, who do you want taking care of you when you're old and feeble.

Until we collectively take control and shift the direction of our youths, we really don't have anyone to blame but ourselves for the mess that they leave. Remember, this is merely my opinion, but if you see yourself or think there is room for improvement, have at it. If you have been nodding in agreement, pass it on. The only way we can make a change is if we make the change.

As always, here are some quotes to ponder: 

"Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

"The goal in raising one's child is to enable him, first, to discover who he wants to be, and then to become a person who can be satisfied with himself and his way of life. Eventually he ought to be able to do in his life whatever seems important, desirable, and worthwhile to him to do; to develop relations with other people that are constructive, satisfying, mutually enriching; and to bear up well under the stresses and hardships he will unavoidably encounter during his life."~ Bruno Bettleheim

Reviving Me

*It has been a while since I have written, but I had lost my desire for writing, or communicating with others until recently. The article below explains the why. I hope you can understand, while I appreciate and savor this moment as I make my return to the blog-o-sphere. Note this article deals with depression. If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide, please reach out for help and call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255. There is no shame, and there is always hope.
  
A few years ago, a guy I had known killed himself due to severe depression. Although sympathetic to his pain, my mind could not wrap itself around how a parent could do this to his children. In my mind, there had to be more than depression to lead someone down the path to take their own life and leave the wake that they do for friends and family to pick up and try to make sense of. I had a lot of pity for him, and his wife and kids. 

Today, I have a clearer understanding of the bleak despair that he must have felt that day and the many days before; leading to his final decision. Although it pains me to say that I have a better understanding, I am relieved that I made it through the other side to tell my tale. Even though I have lived my life looking for the positive in everything, facing each obstacle that was placed in my path head on. Finding courage when I thought I had nothing left to give, I found myself in an abyss that shed no light my way, worse it did not allow for me to see the glint of light that was trying to find me. 

I began this year with such optimism, convinced that a surgery was all I needed and back to my daily duties I will return. Little did I know that one surgery would turn into five (5) and a desperate fight for my life. I underwent severe trauma to my body, my mind and emotional health. In the end I made it through the physical portions with the help of my husband, parents, family and friends. I had a team of top doctors and nurses, trying to undo the damage that nearly took me off the planet, my mind however did not heal at the same rate as the rest of me. 

Here I was, a survivor of everything life has ever thrown my way; divorce, Multiple Sclerosis, renal cancer, postpartum eclampsia, C-Dif, through it all I pushed through and came out with a better outlook on life and a greater appreciation for everyday and the simple joys that life has to give. Yet, even I was not prepared for what awaited me this past winter. Although I was able to overcome most of the physical challenges that had befallen me, there was something more dangerous and insidious than the viruses that almost took my leg and life that was happening. No one noticed that I was slowly disappearing into the blackness of my own depression. I cannot tell just when it began, or how I found myself looking at life through a prism that truly was foreign to me. What I can tell you, is that I was there. I wallowed in it, bathed in it, hell I was drinking the Kool-Aid that was leading me to see only pain, sorrow without end in sight. 

The pain that my mind was fixated on was very real and had the ability to only been seen and experienced by me. Worse than that, I found that the "essence" of who I thought I was as a person, a mother, wife, daughter and sister was eroding away. I was becoming lost and the deeper into the darkness my mind wandered, the more difficult it was for me to find the way out. Finally I found myself there, in the pit that swallows some of us whole and doesn't let us go. I was in the clutches of the monster called depression, it had no intention of letting me go. Strangely, there was a comfort in the thoughts of ending it all. No more pain, no more surgeries, no more difficulties, my dark thoughts had me rationalizing the actual benefits of not having to go on another day. Rather than running in the opposite direction of such ideas, the thought of sleeping and never waking up were beginning to be hatched. Just how many pain killers would it take? Would drinking alcohol speed it up?

Then I saw my youngest daughter, after having not seen her face for 2 months, or smelling her sweet smell or hearing her giggle and watching her smile with her eyes as well as her mouth. Her utter joy and innocence had yanked me forcibly out of the pit. If only for a moment, that moment was enough to allow me to see where I was. Although I would be swallowed back into the depths of hell; this time I was armed with something to save me. It was as if my daughter threw me a flashlight to assure me a way back to her, my family, more importantly to me.  My journey back has been a long an arduous process, involving the first most important step of asking for help.

Fortunately, I had the means and where with all to recognize that I was in trouble and in need of some serious help or this would be the end of the line for me. I felt immense guilt almost immediately, realizing the weight of my life had been placed squarely  on the shoulders of a five year old girl. She was not aware of what I had done, but I was and with my state of mind it caused a lot of internal conflict. Reaching for help was difficult. At first I think people thought I was saying I was suicidal as a euphemism, not acknowledging the seriousness of my statement, or where I was in my thoughts. 

Today, I am better. I don't have those same dark thoughts, but I can tell you I am well aware of their proximity. Talk therapy was what helped me finally get rid of my demons that were fervently holding onto me. I am home, and still undergoing physical therapy on a long road to recovery. I am grateful to say that I finally do see the light, and although this experience has changed me, I am one of the fortunate ones that battled depression and came through.  Many like my old friend, do not win the battle and sadly leave many of us behind scratching our heads with a lot of whys. This is not how I plan on going out of this life. No for me it will be a fight, teeth and all. I refuse to go down without fighting for every moment, because this life is all that we have and I, for one, want mine to mean something more than that I was here.

The following quotes helped me through some very trying times, and it wouldn't be a blog entry of mine without a quote or two. Thank you for welcoming me back, until next time.

"If you're going through hell, keep going." ~ Winston Churchill

"It always seems impossible until it's done."~ Nelson Mandela